I just read this article on huffpost, and frankly it sucked. He does more than just stretch the term 'gaslighting' to places it doesn't reach, and get pointlessly offended about how the meanings of the term crazy also include mental illness. The article calls crazy "a trend", and at the same time talks about how it's been around for a long time. Worst he offers no alternatives to dealing with "crazy" behavior. This guy, who's apparently a dating coach, writes a long diatribe about how men calling women crazy is evil and manipulative. No. He's right that saying "you're crazy" during a fight isn't going to win you any boyfriend awards, but it's not manipulative--it's just lazy.
He starts off with "crazy meant 'acting in a way I didn't like.'" That's not what a guy is saying when he calls his girlfriend crazy. What he really means is "I don't know or understand the cause(s) of the attitudes/behaviors she's showing. If she stated her reasoning, I didn't follow it and/or still don't understand how it's causally linked. And I've given up trying to figure it out."
The solution is pretty simple, and you don't need all this psychobabble to do it.
First, control your own emotional outbursts and tactfully admit that you don't understand what's up. This isn't a negative on you or on her. It's a byproduct of the different ways men and women communicate. Don't make a big deal out of this fact of life. If you do this step right, she may try to explain (again), but don't expect her to be able to bridge the communication gap for you. She already didn't remember? You likely still won't understand the causal relationship. That's fine. The important thing here is that you actively listen and gently probe for more information until you figure out the cause of her emotions.
It's the emotion that matters. If she's getting good emotions from her world and you, then you won't have to worry much about anything else. Understanding what you're doing is only important to the point where you can get the effect you want. It takes a lot less expertise to have a happy relationship than it does to understand other people, just like it takes less expertise to operate a microwave than it does to build one.
When you've figured out the problem it's simply a matter of fixing it or avoiding it. You should have a lot of motivation to find an answer because if you can't find one, the relationship is over.
To sum up, don't bother reading this blow-hard's rant. Be patient enough to learn what things create what emotions for the woman you're with, and then find ways to bring her more happiness and less sadness. Billions of stupid yet happy couples around the world prove, it doesn't take a psychologist to do it.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
The Cosmo of Dating Advice
This article is the Cosmo sex secrets of dating advice: interesting, but women who try it are likely to have a very bad time.
The one golden bit is that there's nothing wrong with waiting longer than 2 dates to start having sex. But it doesn't outline any real solutions to the problem of constantly finding yourself in undefined FWB relationships instead of finding the commitment you're after.
I typically avoid giving relationship advice because there are many older people who've been in a lot more relationships than I have, but this advice was so terrible I had to counter it.
When it comes to commitment, making him pay for dinner or wait to have sex isn't going to make him suddenly decide that he wants to have a committed relationship. All it will communicate is that you're into old fashioned gender roles. Some dudes like that, but many don't. I know because I'm one of the men who's interested in a committed relationship, but not special gender privilege.
Anyway, undefined relationships are a real problem, but mostly they're a problem of not communicating. If your relationship is undefined it's because neither of you has expressed what you think the relationship is or ought to be and gotten a response. If you had communicated and received a clear response, then you'd at least know what your partner thinks about it.
So, if you're looking for a committed relationship, and you're tired of not knowing if you've found someone who can share one with you, here are some basics to think about
It's also helpful to prompt him for an answer that is about what he wants now and is unambiguously about you. If I'm out with a girl I'm only interested in short term, my answers would be completely different if the question is "Do you think you'll get married someday?" vs. "Are you looking for a wife?" The first could mean 15 years from now with someone else. The second prompts for my current goals, which means I'm more likely to give you an answer that's related to you.
Now that you've established that you share similar goals, you can allow the relationships to mature naturally. Start having sex when you want to. Hang out often outside of sex to make sure you don't just tire of each other and fight too much when it comes to topics outside the bedroom and minor outside stress. Finally when you're ready to commit more fully, it's again time to communicate clearly.
One happy consequence of undefined relationships is that there are no rules preventing you from having exactly the type of relationship that you both want. In the past you had from farthest to closest: strangers, acquaintances, friends, courting/dating, engaged, and married. Each relationship state had its own expectations. Today you can choose your own adventure. Do you want the sexual exclusivity of dating without the emotional commitment? You can do that. Do you want the financial commitment of marriage without the sexual commitment? You can do that instead. If you want a traditional package, you can have one of those too. In this new era, you can have any type of relationship as long as you ask for it.
The one golden bit is that there's nothing wrong with waiting longer than 2 dates to start having sex. But it doesn't outline any real solutions to the problem of constantly finding yourself in undefined FWB relationships instead of finding the commitment you're after.
I typically avoid giving relationship advice because there are many older people who've been in a lot more relationships than I have, but this advice was so terrible I had to counter it.
When it comes to commitment, making him pay for dinner or wait to have sex isn't going to make him suddenly decide that he wants to have a committed relationship. All it will communicate is that you're into old fashioned gender roles. Some dudes like that, but many don't. I know because I'm one of the men who's interested in a committed relationship, but not special gender privilege.
Anyway, undefined relationships are a real problem, but mostly they're a problem of not communicating. If your relationship is undefined it's because neither of you has expressed what you think the relationship is or ought to be and gotten a response. If you had communicated and received a clear response, then you'd at least know what your partner thinks about it.
So, if you're looking for a committed relationship, and you're tired of not knowing if you've found someone who can share one with you, here are some basics to think about
He must be looking for, or genuinely open to, a committed relationship. Some people change, but most don't. Trying to change your partner's life goals isn't worth your time. Women who are looking for commitment should ask about it on the first date. If he hems and haws, say directly that you are looking for a serious relationship, a long term relationship, or marriage. If he runs, there's your answer. If he stays, game on.
Don't try to hint or be too clever about this question. It's too important to risk miscommunication. Get the conversation there on the first date with something like "so what are you looking for relationship-wise?" Don't be surprised if he hasn't seriously thought about this before--many men haven't. Just give him some time to stutter out a response. You may not get a clear answer right away. He may think out loud all over the range. But at least now he's thinking about it, which means you can probably get a solid answer later.
Don't try to hint or be too clever about this question. It's too important to risk miscommunication. Get the conversation there on the first date with something like "so what are you looking for relationship-wise?" Don't be surprised if he hasn't seriously thought about this before--many men haven't. Just give him some time to stutter out a response. You may not get a clear answer right away. He may think out loud all over the range. But at least now he's thinking about it, which means you can probably get a solid answer later.
It's also helpful to prompt him for an answer that is about what he wants now and is unambiguously about you. If I'm out with a girl I'm only interested in short term, my answers would be completely different if the question is "Do you think you'll get married someday?" vs. "Are you looking for a wife?" The first could mean 15 years from now with someone else. The second prompts for my current goals, which means I'm more likely to give you an answer that's related to you.
Now that you've established that you share similar goals, you can allow the relationships to mature naturally. Start having sex when you want to. Hang out often outside of sex to make sure you don't just tire of each other and fight too much when it comes to topics outside the bedroom and minor outside stress. Finally when you're ready to commit more fully, it's again time to communicate clearly.
One happy consequence of undefined relationships is that there are no rules preventing you from having exactly the type of relationship that you both want. In the past you had from farthest to closest: strangers, acquaintances, friends, courting/dating, engaged, and married. Each relationship state had its own expectations. Today you can choose your own adventure. Do you want the sexual exclusivity of dating without the emotional commitment? You can do that. Do you want the financial commitment of marriage without the sexual commitment? You can do that instead. If you want a traditional package, you can have one of those too. In this new era, you can have any type of relationship as long as you ask for it.
This is another point where being too clever can hurt communication and stop you from getting what you want. Start the conversation with "What do you think about us being exclusive sexually?" or "I want to call you my girl/boy-friend. How do you feel about that?" Just like before, he may not have thought about this question yet. Ask the question directly, but don't push for an instantaneous response if you want the true answer. That said, if he needs more than a day to think about it, he may be trying to avoid giving a negative response.
On a personal side note, don't ask serious relationship questions in the middle of foreplay or sex. Answers to questions of emotion are difficult enough to process when I'm not under the mind-erasing influence of a sexy woman. This has happened to me several times now, and unfortunately I was never able to give a straight answer. Often I gave an answer that came out completely opposite to what I really wanted because didn't even realize what I was being asked for.
There are certainly challenges to this new culture of dating that were avoided by the constraints of courtships and arranged marriages long ago. But don't pine for the bonds of a system that didn't value love, attraction and personal compatibility just because it had a measure of certainty. You can still have that certainty today without all the problems of the old system. The difference is that instead of your parents communicating with his, it has to be you communicating with him.
On a personal side note, don't ask serious relationship questions in the middle of foreplay or sex. Answers to questions of emotion are difficult enough to process when I'm not under the mind-erasing influence of a sexy woman. This has happened to me several times now, and unfortunately I was never able to give a straight answer. Often I gave an answer that came out completely opposite to what I really wanted because didn't even realize what I was being asked for.
There are certainly challenges to this new culture of dating that were avoided by the constraints of courtships and arranged marriages long ago. But don't pine for the bonds of a system that didn't value love, attraction and personal compatibility just because it had a measure of certainty. You can still have that certainty today without all the problems of the old system. The difference is that instead of your parents communicating with his, it has to be you communicating with him.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Flexibility Is Not Adaptation
Most people hate change. Even the ones we call "flexible". I'm flexible. But I haven't really been embracing change. Not the way one needs to in order to succeed. Change is what empires are made out of, and being flexible just means that you roll with the punches. It doesn't mean that you're out there actively seeking change. I often feel paralyzed by the array of choices, but really there's no reason not to pick one arbitrarily and get started. Any attempt to get started is better than sitting around doing nothing. If it turns out to be the wrong choice, at least you've learned what you don't want. Hopefully you eventually get lucky and make a correct choice, but you have to keep making them. Sitting around gets you nowhere.
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