I just read this article on huffpost, and frankly it sucked. He does more than just stretch the term 'gaslighting' to places it doesn't reach, and get pointlessly offended about how the meanings of the term crazy also include mental illness. The article calls crazy "a trend", and at the same time talks about how it's been around for a long time. Worst he offers no alternatives to dealing with "crazy" behavior. This guy, who's apparently a dating coach, writes a long diatribe about how men calling women crazy is evil and manipulative. No. He's right that saying "you're crazy" during a fight isn't going to win you any boyfriend awards, but it's not manipulative--it's just lazy.
He starts off with "crazy meant 'acting in a way I didn't like.'" That's not what a guy is saying when he calls his girlfriend crazy. What he really means is "I don't know or understand the cause(s) of the attitudes/behaviors she's showing. If she stated her reasoning, I didn't follow it and/or still don't understand how it's causally linked. And I've given up trying to figure it out."
The solution is pretty simple, and you don't need all this psychobabble to do it.
First, control your own emotional outbursts and tactfully admit that you don't understand what's up. This isn't a negative on you or on her. It's a byproduct of the different ways men and women communicate. Don't make a big deal out of this fact of life. If you do this step right, she may try to explain (again), but don't expect her to be able to bridge the communication gap for you. She already didn't remember? You likely still won't understand the causal relationship. That's fine. The important thing here is that you actively listen and gently probe for more information until you figure out the cause of her emotions.
It's the emotion that matters. If she's getting good emotions from her world and you, then you won't have to worry much about anything else. Understanding what you're doing is only important to the point where you can get the effect you want. It takes a lot less expertise to have a happy relationship than it does to understand other people, just like it takes less expertise to operate a microwave than it does to build one.
When you've figured out the problem it's simply a matter of fixing it or avoiding it. You should have a lot of motivation to find an answer because if you can't find one, the relationship is over.
To sum up, don't bother reading this blow-hard's rant. Be patient enough to learn what things create what emotions for the woman you're with, and then find ways to bring her more happiness and less sadness. Billions of stupid yet happy couples around the world prove, it doesn't take a psychologist to do it.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
The Cosmo of Dating Advice
This article is the Cosmo sex secrets of dating advice: interesting, but women who try it are likely to have a very bad time.
The one golden bit is that there's nothing wrong with waiting longer than 2 dates to start having sex. But it doesn't outline any real solutions to the problem of constantly finding yourself in undefined FWB relationships instead of finding the commitment you're after.
I typically avoid giving relationship advice because there are many older people who've been in a lot more relationships than I have, but this advice was so terrible I had to counter it.
When it comes to commitment, making him pay for dinner or wait to have sex isn't going to make him suddenly decide that he wants to have a committed relationship. All it will communicate is that you're into old fashioned gender roles. Some dudes like that, but many don't. I know because I'm one of the men who's interested in a committed relationship, but not special gender privilege.
Anyway, undefined relationships are a real problem, but mostly they're a problem of not communicating. If your relationship is undefined it's because neither of you has expressed what you think the relationship is or ought to be and gotten a response. If you had communicated and received a clear response, then you'd at least know what your partner thinks about it.
So, if you're looking for a committed relationship, and you're tired of not knowing if you've found someone who can share one with you, here are some basics to think about
It's also helpful to prompt him for an answer that is about what he wants now and is unambiguously about you. If I'm out with a girl I'm only interested in short term, my answers would be completely different if the question is "Do you think you'll get married someday?" vs. "Are you looking for a wife?" The first could mean 15 years from now with someone else. The second prompts for my current goals, which means I'm more likely to give you an answer that's related to you.
Now that you've established that you share similar goals, you can allow the relationships to mature naturally. Start having sex when you want to. Hang out often outside of sex to make sure you don't just tire of each other and fight too much when it comes to topics outside the bedroom and minor outside stress. Finally when you're ready to commit more fully, it's again time to communicate clearly.
One happy consequence of undefined relationships is that there are no rules preventing you from having exactly the type of relationship that you both want. In the past you had from farthest to closest: strangers, acquaintances, friends, courting/dating, engaged, and married. Each relationship state had its own expectations. Today you can choose your own adventure. Do you want the sexual exclusivity of dating without the emotional commitment? You can do that. Do you want the financial commitment of marriage without the sexual commitment? You can do that instead. If you want a traditional package, you can have one of those too. In this new era, you can have any type of relationship as long as you ask for it.
The one golden bit is that there's nothing wrong with waiting longer than 2 dates to start having sex. But it doesn't outline any real solutions to the problem of constantly finding yourself in undefined FWB relationships instead of finding the commitment you're after.
I typically avoid giving relationship advice because there are many older people who've been in a lot more relationships than I have, but this advice was so terrible I had to counter it.
When it comes to commitment, making him pay for dinner or wait to have sex isn't going to make him suddenly decide that he wants to have a committed relationship. All it will communicate is that you're into old fashioned gender roles. Some dudes like that, but many don't. I know because I'm one of the men who's interested in a committed relationship, but not special gender privilege.
Anyway, undefined relationships are a real problem, but mostly they're a problem of not communicating. If your relationship is undefined it's because neither of you has expressed what you think the relationship is or ought to be and gotten a response. If you had communicated and received a clear response, then you'd at least know what your partner thinks about it.
So, if you're looking for a committed relationship, and you're tired of not knowing if you've found someone who can share one with you, here are some basics to think about
He must be looking for, or genuinely open to, a committed relationship. Some people change, but most don't. Trying to change your partner's life goals isn't worth your time. Women who are looking for commitment should ask about it on the first date. If he hems and haws, say directly that you are looking for a serious relationship, a long term relationship, or marriage. If he runs, there's your answer. If he stays, game on.
Don't try to hint or be too clever about this question. It's too important to risk miscommunication. Get the conversation there on the first date with something like "so what are you looking for relationship-wise?" Don't be surprised if he hasn't seriously thought about this before--many men haven't. Just give him some time to stutter out a response. You may not get a clear answer right away. He may think out loud all over the range. But at least now he's thinking about it, which means you can probably get a solid answer later.
Don't try to hint or be too clever about this question. It's too important to risk miscommunication. Get the conversation there on the first date with something like "so what are you looking for relationship-wise?" Don't be surprised if he hasn't seriously thought about this before--many men haven't. Just give him some time to stutter out a response. You may not get a clear answer right away. He may think out loud all over the range. But at least now he's thinking about it, which means you can probably get a solid answer later.
It's also helpful to prompt him for an answer that is about what he wants now and is unambiguously about you. If I'm out with a girl I'm only interested in short term, my answers would be completely different if the question is "Do you think you'll get married someday?" vs. "Are you looking for a wife?" The first could mean 15 years from now with someone else. The second prompts for my current goals, which means I'm more likely to give you an answer that's related to you.
Now that you've established that you share similar goals, you can allow the relationships to mature naturally. Start having sex when you want to. Hang out often outside of sex to make sure you don't just tire of each other and fight too much when it comes to topics outside the bedroom and minor outside stress. Finally when you're ready to commit more fully, it's again time to communicate clearly.
One happy consequence of undefined relationships is that there are no rules preventing you from having exactly the type of relationship that you both want. In the past you had from farthest to closest: strangers, acquaintances, friends, courting/dating, engaged, and married. Each relationship state had its own expectations. Today you can choose your own adventure. Do you want the sexual exclusivity of dating without the emotional commitment? You can do that. Do you want the financial commitment of marriage without the sexual commitment? You can do that instead. If you want a traditional package, you can have one of those too. In this new era, you can have any type of relationship as long as you ask for it.
This is another point where being too clever can hurt communication and stop you from getting what you want. Start the conversation with "What do you think about us being exclusive sexually?" or "I want to call you my girl/boy-friend. How do you feel about that?" Just like before, he may not have thought about this question yet. Ask the question directly, but don't push for an instantaneous response if you want the true answer. That said, if he needs more than a day to think about it, he may be trying to avoid giving a negative response.
On a personal side note, don't ask serious relationship questions in the middle of foreplay or sex. Answers to questions of emotion are difficult enough to process when I'm not under the mind-erasing influence of a sexy woman. This has happened to me several times now, and unfortunately I was never able to give a straight answer. Often I gave an answer that came out completely opposite to what I really wanted because didn't even realize what I was being asked for.
There are certainly challenges to this new culture of dating that were avoided by the constraints of courtships and arranged marriages long ago. But don't pine for the bonds of a system that didn't value love, attraction and personal compatibility just because it had a measure of certainty. You can still have that certainty today without all the problems of the old system. The difference is that instead of your parents communicating with his, it has to be you communicating with him.
On a personal side note, don't ask serious relationship questions in the middle of foreplay or sex. Answers to questions of emotion are difficult enough to process when I'm not under the mind-erasing influence of a sexy woman. This has happened to me several times now, and unfortunately I was never able to give a straight answer. Often I gave an answer that came out completely opposite to what I really wanted because didn't even realize what I was being asked for.
There are certainly challenges to this new culture of dating that were avoided by the constraints of courtships and arranged marriages long ago. But don't pine for the bonds of a system that didn't value love, attraction and personal compatibility just because it had a measure of certainty. You can still have that certainty today without all the problems of the old system. The difference is that instead of your parents communicating with his, it has to be you communicating with him.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Flexibility Is Not Adaptation
Most people hate change. Even the ones we call "flexible". I'm flexible. But I haven't really been embracing change. Not the way one needs to in order to succeed. Change is what empires are made out of, and being flexible just means that you roll with the punches. It doesn't mean that you're out there actively seeking change. I often feel paralyzed by the array of choices, but really there's no reason not to pick one arbitrarily and get started. Any attempt to get started is better than sitting around doing nothing. If it turns out to be the wrong choice, at least you've learned what you don't want. Hopefully you eventually get lucky and make a correct choice, but you have to keep making them. Sitting around gets you nowhere.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Still No Sign of Intelligence
The problem with theorizing about artificial intelligence is that we’re assuming things about the nature of cognition and intelligence that I'm not sure we know yet. So far we have not created an artificial intelligence of any kind–super or even 'stupid'. Watson, Deep Blue and other supercomputer programs simply boil down to being able to do extremely intensive searches through sets of data that we already know. The rules of Chess are very straight forward, and Googling most questions gets you close to the answer. This is a part/form of intelligence, but this may be completely different from how the actual intelligent cognitive creativity that lets us come up with ideas works.
Until we understand how our minds come up with completely new ideas, it may be impossible to purposefully design a computer that is *actually* intelligent as measured by an ability to come up with completely new ideas that show an actual understanding of the real problems that ineptly succinct directives like “prevent human suffering” are intended to convey.
We will know we have a real artificial super-intelligence when we ask it, “What can be done to end human suffering?” and it replies with, “I could give you an answer, but you’re asking the wrong question. What you really want to know how to do is…”
Monday, October 19, 2009
Get It Right Already!
I hate that I sometimes play video games. They are my dirty little unproductive secret. They are to me what food is to fat people: comfort and escape. Ultimately unhealthy, but still OCD'd into life. They also piss me off because they could be so much better. It wouldn't take much for a lot of them. To that end...
Tips for Game Devs:
1. Smoothness--Your Graphics may be pretty, but you live and die by the smoothness of the controls and animations. This must be hard to get right because many MANY games look like a photograph in a screenshot, but live feel like an amateur claymation short. I'll give you a hint: smoothness is all about transitions. Focus on getting transitions right and this should take care of itself... mostly.
2. Uniqueness/Customization--On the graphics front: Make tons of different things and give each of them their own model. On today's computers storage space is not at a premium anymore. Feel free to spend 10GB getting this one right. There's really no excuse for using the same 15 or 20 ugly faces over and over for the characters in the game. With the right tools it should only take 5 minutes per NPC to make everyone unique. That's only a week or two of work for every model in your game.
Audio: Most games do pretty well on variety for gunshots and sword clashes now, if only because they modify the sounds based on the environment. Where they fail is in human voices. I realize voice actors are expensive, but some developers have no excuse. Bethesda used the same voice actor for every NPC of a given race/sex in Oblivion, and then reused the SAME ACTORS in the same way in Fallout 3. Did they seriously think that no one who played Oblivion would be tired of those voices when they played Oblivion-With-Guns?? Come on.
Demeanor: This is something I've only seen implemented in a game once (can't remember which game), but always wished for. People walk differently. Some people walk tall and proud, others slouch and shuffle or wiggle their ass, or double bounce. I can understand making most animations the same for a given gender as motion capture takes a lot of work, but there are only 4 animations that the player is going to have to spend hours and hours watching: walk, run, jump & ride. It would be nice to have some choice or variety to keep things interesting. Even if you only make several for run & walk that would be a huge improvement to the experience, and it would add TONS of immersion for those wacko roleplayers. Provide variety, but don't make the choices all polar opposites--it would be stupid to only be able to choose between the gangster shuffle or a pole-in-the-ass butler's gait.
3. Simple Can Be Impressive--Game artists seem to be stuck in a rut where they think that higher level items need to be more and more intricate looking and have random lighting, smoke and fire effects and lots of weird shiney colors like purple, violet, fushia, pink and aqua. This is just stupid. Tone it the fuck down, and save the girl colors for female characters and flowers. Many games now have top tier gear that is obviously unusable from shape, size and color. The other negative effect is that these oversized items fuck up the beauty of good animation by creating all sorts of weird clipping problems. Cloth should almost always be matte with the possible exception of something silk, and even metal doesn't reflect the sun from EVERY angle.
Tips for Game Devs:
1. Smoothness--Your Graphics may be pretty, but you live and die by the smoothness of the controls and animations. This must be hard to get right because many MANY games look like a photograph in a screenshot, but live feel like an amateur claymation short. I'll give you a hint: smoothness is all about transitions. Focus on getting transitions right and this should take care of itself... mostly.
2. Uniqueness/Customization--On the graphics front: Make tons of different things and give each of them their own model. On today's computers storage space is not at a premium anymore. Feel free to spend 10GB getting this one right. There's really no excuse for using the same 15 or 20 ugly faces over and over for the characters in the game. With the right tools it should only take 5 minutes per NPC to make everyone unique. That's only a week or two of work for every model in your game.
Audio: Most games do pretty well on variety for gunshots and sword clashes now, if only because they modify the sounds based on the environment. Where they fail is in human voices. I realize voice actors are expensive, but some developers have no excuse. Bethesda used the same voice actor for every NPC of a given race/sex in Oblivion, and then reused the SAME ACTORS in the same way in Fallout 3. Did they seriously think that no one who played Oblivion would be tired of those voices when they played Oblivion-With-Guns?? Come on.
Demeanor: This is something I've only seen implemented in a game once (can't remember which game), but always wished for. People walk differently. Some people walk tall and proud, others slouch and shuffle or wiggle their ass, or double bounce. I can understand making most animations the same for a given gender as motion capture takes a lot of work, but there are only 4 animations that the player is going to have to spend hours and hours watching: walk, run, jump & ride. It would be nice to have some choice or variety to keep things interesting. Even if you only make several for run & walk that would be a huge improvement to the experience, and it would add TONS of immersion for those wacko roleplayers. Provide variety, but don't make the choices all polar opposites--it would be stupid to only be able to choose between the gangster shuffle or a pole-in-the-ass butler's gait.
3. Simple Can Be Impressive--Game artists seem to be stuck in a rut where they think that higher level items need to be more and more intricate looking and have random lighting, smoke and fire effects and lots of weird shiney colors like purple, violet, fushia, pink and aqua. This is just stupid. Tone it the fuck down, and save the girl colors for female characters and flowers. Many games now have top tier gear that is obviously unusable from shape, size and color. The other negative effect is that these oversized items fuck up the beauty of good animation by creating all sorts of weird clipping problems. Cloth should almost always be matte with the possible exception of something silk, and even metal doesn't reflect the sun from EVERY angle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)